a series of essays called “transitioning” Essay #1

 

does it matter today, it shouldn’t, but at times i feel it does…. because for a lifetime i could walk anywhere, supposedly i was just like you… ordinary, i didn’t stand out in a crowd, but then, my inner world, my secret thoughts, that’s where i was different….. all i felt was confusion, frustration and tears… i even didn’t know if what i felt was felt by you, but i would never reveal what i felt… i feared your judgement, what if i WAS different…. so i kept my thoughts, my questions buried, but as i got older these thoughts dominated my life…. a thousand voices in my head, over and over the song was played and like the Sirens i could never deafen their cries… they haunted my dreams and eventually they paralyzed my being, for they took control of my soul…. and for my broken lifetime, every time, and i literally mean every time, i looked at a female, and that was since i was 4 years old, 62 long years, all i felt was pain and regret…. why was i not “born a girl”….. and every time i looked in a mirror or stood naked i always cried, why was i not “born a girl”, for i hated the reflection that i painted…… but life was still bearable for “him” and if you looked at his life and what he accomplished you would say, “you were so blessed”, but then you never saw the tears i was drowning in or the pain that was burying me, we learn very early how to deceive you and hide our pain…
yes, this condition is known simply as “gender dysphoria”, a condition i did not ask for but i was born with… yes i am transgender, and today i feel no shame, i can look into a mirror and see a smile i never saw before….

so why do i write this for you….. for me it’s been an important form of therapy, simply writing my feelings…. my journal, now going on two years, “songs of the sirens”, has been a good friend that has helped me so much, maybe one day i will share that … i would share that mainly so people can know what it means to “transition”… it’s a word filled with a lot of tears and pain, and hopefully somewhere there is the happiness we so want, but maybe even more important is “acceptance”…. i have very little control over that, that lies within your heart but it will make my smile shine even brighter….
to be continued…..
tess julianna 8/14/17

Ode to a God

Aug 4, 2014
all eyes are drawn to Margerie Glacier and it’s no wonder with its glacier face painted in shades of white and blue resting in the icy waters of Glacier Bay…. towers of ice stand in silent testimony to your glacial dance awaiting their eventual fate…… all cameras are aimed and patiently wait….. a stillness spreads…….. the anticipation….. the crack of “white thunder” and in the seconds that follow all will frantically search for your calving……
but not i, for i stood alone in thought looking at the Grand Pacific Glacier

From: thoughts of an Alaskan summer
Ode to a Forgotten God
it was in another lifetime….. all eyes were drawn to you…. you were not old and worn but young and strong…. today you are tired and you are covered with the scars of age and slowly, ever so slowly you are drifting from our sight…. i stand here alone in your company as all eyes are not on you… and i even wonder whether they know you lie here at all… and i think of a time in your youth when all we now admire was covered and hidden because of your restless spirit…. no one knew of the beauty that you created under your icy skin…..

at first, all they could do was to sailed quietly by….. this wilderness did not yet exist for you stood guardian over the entrance to this bay… a barrier not even the gods could penetrate…. yet it was only several generation ago from that day that they sailed by…. stories were told from many a voices that are now gone and silent…… stories that were passed to those that were so much younger and not as wise….. the stories told of your restless spirit and how you came alive …. you danced with a winter wind onward and nothing, nothing could stop you…. stories have been passed down of the day they had to flee from the flooding of your tide for you now silently controlled their lives… yes, you were young and strong…
and many a summers passed before a wise one came and fell in love with your spirit… he touched your soul during many travels and spoke often of your beauty….. your name today was given by him….. and i wonder what he thought of you that day that your name was first heard from his lips…. and in a way it was because of him that we too took this journey…. but we do not kneel at your alter in praise as he did
time has etched its mark on your tired spirit my friend… but even though you are leaving us and your blue spirit faded and covered with time… i will stand alone today and sing your praises…. old friends should never be left alone….. their names should still be echoed in this wilderness…… today i choose to walk away from the crowds that look elsewhere… and i remember how i stood in silence and uttered a silent prayer for you my friend… my friend you will not be forgottenGrand Pacific Glacier IMG1589 jpg

no, let’s dance

do we ever really know the journey before one takes it, and if they did would they have taken it sooner…… i can’t explain really what i’m feeling now, there’s an excitement and joy i’ve never had or felt before….. i can’t explain why, the cause is really confusing, but the results i love…..
“no, let’s dance”

it seemed like a lifetime ago,
yes, my path was through a forest
a forest with dead trees,
it was dark and so lonely
pain and frustration were my companions
and i left a trail of tears…
i questioned why i took this road,
surely there were other’s i could of taken
but i had to walk this path
remember
the choice is not our’s.

you watched me walk,
hugged me and told me to go on,
you did,
there would be an end
somewhere
you promised.
i lost the path often
i could not see
i could not see for the tears were too many
and i wandered
the forest was lifeless
the forest was endless

i cried
“i ‘m doing all you told me to”
HRT, electrolysis
i went part-time to full-time
and i still knew not who i was
therapy and group
and even surgery i planned,
i read what i could
i hated what i was,
i wanted “his” past
but i didn’t want to be him..
i was lost
and yes i cried

was this all a dream i ask?
i sit in this meadow
fireweed paints my vision
and there are butterflies
and beautiful dragonflies
and the raven cries out in joy
and i want to dance
never stop dancing…
i love my smile
and this excitement
an excitement i never felt,
and yes
yes is it true i’m in love
all young girls are…
yet i ask
is it because of this new born essence
an essence that fills my soul…
and then i find
no longer hidden
my path
and a rainbow…
hold my hand
we can skip
we can run and laugh
no let’s dance
tess julianna 7/21/17

 

ballerina-project.jpg

restless thoughts

taken from my journal, Songs of the Sirens

July 16
it’s 2 in the morning and i am restless…. my mind dances with thoughts and i can’t sleep, i try but i realize it’s hopeless, so i find my chair and my journal….. i realize that i am hungry for life, i can’t get enough…. i want to be surrounded by my new found friends but they are in another space… and i cry because some will be gone, just like that, the carousel begins and our life must move on… i regret the words that weren’t spoken, the thoughts and feelings that were never shared….. and i never really got to know your heart, your smile or your tears… i wanted to share all of mine, but then could you really understand…. and if you really understood would that change your smile…. and was it even necessary….. i try so hard to be just another image in the crowd but i can’t for i am drowning in this new found blessing and with this blessing comes a million questions…
i desperately try to understand feelings…. i was never ordinary, my thoughts came from a different place but i want to know and understand what you feel because i never was able to feel that… no i just had confusion and frustration painted with tears… but today all that is gone and i am alive for the first time in my life….
often i sit in silence and watch….. your world is alive with smiles and endless chatter…. i want to be in your circle but i am from a different time…… i am weathered from time and a poison i did not want and deep in my heart i know that your circle will never intersect mine…. it can’t until you really know what’s in my heart and how desperate i am to be a part of your circle…..
and i am learning that even amongst the joys of life there is still some pain…. do you feel the same, i wish i knew… but please don’t worry because i am too hungry for life now, now that i know what it’s like to be alive and happy…

it’s 4 in the morning and i am still restless for life… i am alive and i want to have no boundaries on this happiness… i want to grab this day and dance with it… i want these restless feelings never to tire, i am so young, but older than that now, but i don’t care and that will never be my failure……

tess julianna

“a walk along the jersey shore

IMG_8281some of life’s journeys are short but will last a lifetime
28 Dec. 93

“a walk along the jersey shore”
it’s a gray and cloudy day with a misty rain quietly falling while the shadows of summer now lie hidden by the stillness of winter…. on a lonely beach, with only the gulls to listen to my footsteps, i drift slowly along…. my footsteps now gently erase the multitude of prints that were carelessly and without thought left by the gulls…. the wind is gentle yet filled with the salty smell of a winter ocean….. and on this canvas painted in lonely shades of gray, the ocean plays its haunting symphony to my ears and with each breaking of the waves i wonder back farther into my youth….. my small feet once walked upon this beach…… and through the years that pass, the one constant on this beach was always the haunting rhythm of the sea……. but my thoughts how different they must of been…. why do i yearn for those lost summer days…… i walked this beach then without the wisdom of the years, years that have taught me to stop and listen to the music of this gray and lonely ocean…. now i learned to touch its mystic soul and listen more clearly to its song amongst the damp and chilly winds…. and always the haunting cries of the gull fill the air around me….. are they the butterflies within this meadow….. if so, where are the flowers that fill the air with their silent fragrance… instead the sting of the salt air.from a damp and lonely winter wind….. a wind that blows silently ashore, only to sweep across this lonely and desolate beach….. the laughter of summer days are now lost on this beach…. only the grays of winter must pass by slowly amid the naked trees of this season….. i wonder as one walks, can they see the beauty on this canvas or does one anxiously sweep this aside and think only of the days of summer…. for this wandering voyager i ask only for the solitude of this gray and cloudy day…. these damp winds i know will be tamed by the warmth of the fire and as i wander, its good to know that only the sea will erase my path along this shore but not my memory of this walk

both sides of life

both sides of life
native americans often called these people “two spirited” and they were held high in their culture…. what was it about their culture that they understood this aspect of life and today our society struggles so hard with it…

i am blessed as i have walked both sides of life and today i truly know what it feels like from both sides and to be in love with yourself and with life from this side…. and there is also a peace now, a peace over “his” past, no longer is there the pain, tears and frustration…. i don’t deny “him” or hate the fact that i had to be “him”, actually it was a true blessing and i can look back at “his” past and smile…. today i choose not to focus on “his” pain but “his” joy, and “he” did have much…. and today “he” gave her “his” beautiful heart and those big chocolate eyes that both my mother and Joanne loves…. “he” gave her an understanding or knowledge that unfortunately many on this side of life are unaware of, what it’s like on the other side

our house is still filled with a hundred reflections of “him” and “his” life….. i smile and think of those good times, for they were the minutes of “his” life that yes, “he” was happy and blessed…. and unfortunately they were only minutes because “he” struggled so hard with “his” pain, tears and frustrations, all of which “he” never understood but only knew it ripped “his” heart apart most of the time…. and there came that time when “he” finally had to cross over, “he” crossed over because life is too precious a gift to let a bullet or an empty vein steal it all away…. but this i can honestly say, for i have walked both sides of life, the joy of being in love, as a female, is the most amazing emotional high i’ve ever experienced…… i wish i could put these feelings into words, but you can’t, all you can do is smile…. is that why women have the most beautiful smiles…. today i have this incredible freedom to let out all my emotions whether they are tears or joy, and i love it… and i have loved Joanne from both sides of life and from my perspective loving her with this emotional freedom is beautiful…. and i know i can say this about every aspect of my life now…

i have what is now a two year journal called “Songs of the Sirens”… i add to it everyday of this journey…. in this journal it tells you what it was like for me to take my journey… it recorded all the tears i cried, the pain and frustration and now the gift of happiness… it’s a beautiful friend… someday maybe you can read it

thoughts written to a dear friend…. my journal…
thank you Mary for telling me to journal through this journey

the pages were empty..
alone…
without ones hands to gently turn
to stop and linger in thoughts
be they of pain or happiness…
you were unfilled
alone and empty like my broken spirit…
and then came my words

you didn’t care if they were words of pain or love
you never judged
but always accepted…
you knew my words were honest
the pain it was real,
for the tears would stain your pages…..
you taught me to hold on tight
when i was falling
being broken by ugly thoughts….
pain was all i felt for many of your pages
but you said “hold on tight you must”
for there was always another page
waiting for that smile
you promised….. just write one more page

all those words…..
pages and pages of silent words
never felt, but by your soul
and of those countless pages of words
you taught me to believe
that tears could be wiped from crying eyes
and my broken heart could mend….
you told my hand
never tire,
you must go on
find those words amongst the many
for the words can heal,
they have that magic, if you believe,
and so the words continued to come….
you told me honesty can hurt,
it will stain these pages with painful tears
but write the truth
with all its pain for then the words can change
and the tears can dry
and words of joy can start to fill these pages.

today i looked at the words
and like always tears were felt…
my heart it ached
but as the words continued to fall
i realized you were right,
you promised me,
you never lied…
today these pages had joy,
joy i never knew
and as i write my tears they rain
tears of joy
tears that wash away the pain
tears that know that the many empty waiting pages
can and will be filled,
filled with beautiful words….
oh my friend
with this tired pen
and all my words,
pages and pages of words,
you hold them dear…
never oh never let them fade
but let them rest in peace
if you will,
i love those words
because with them you showed me how to smile
so i write….
thank you my dear friend
tess julianna 4/13/2016

Dreams #64

i question, does this journey ever really end… how will i know, or do you ever really know…. i have found a happiness i never thought existed yet i know i still have many miles to pass

“dreams #64

she sits in a restless peace
with her mind flashing through a thousand photos
of lost moments…
silver will always tarnish,
and she always believed his dreams would rust,
die before their time
wilt before they could ever blossom….
and she wonders in these silent moments
was her essence a beacon
that his eyes frantically searched for,
like a sailor,
his way lost
sirens screaming
teasing him
tempting fate
like his dreams always did…..

and if today
she could steal that dream for him
would he believe…
for he had no faith,
his God had forsaken him…
but she would plead
let me paint a picture for you
and take this dream
take this dream and run
i promise
let me paint this picture for you….
but his eyes were blinded by lies
so he could never believe
for he never wanted to cry
and he knew
knew that lies never became truth,
like they promised
and so he cried

and today
they remind her time and time again
“you were blessed
your life, so beautiful”
and she quietly smiles
i hid his tears well
you never knew
you could never understand
his pain….
and it’s sad
it’s sad because i never even understood,
yes life can be like that….
journeys that had to be taken

and she silently wonders
when will my journey end
and life
my life will begin

tess julianna 6/7/17

it’s now one month later and i know i have found the happiness i’ve always prayed for… to all those Grand Princess passengers this summer (2017), i thank you for your love, and to the crew of the Grand you are beautiful…  yes this journey will continue, but everyday i love waking up and seeing her beautiful smile