Essay on Transitioning: Fighting my Demons
i am learning… learning that being born with gender dysphoria simply means i must fight demons for my entire life…. i have been in transition for over two and half years now, yet my demons persists… i have had complete facial surgery along with my gender reassignment… a surgery i dreamed and prayed for all my life…. surgeries that would allow me to be who i always dreamed of being…. to simply live my life as the person i always wished i could… yet i fight my demons everyday…. is this the curse of gender dysphoria, or are the feelings i’m feeling today just the feelings that many lonely women feel…
there are always choices in life… one always has the opportunity to make decisions…. which course on my compass do i take, which path do i choose to focus on… the choice ultimately will rest with me… do i let the “regret” darken my life with sadness or do i cast this all aside and seek the light, the happiness of who i am today…. the choice is mine..
and as i take this journey, a journey i had to take, there have been many who have helped me fight my demons…. a wife with an unconditional love, my therapist, label them friends or my army of supporters or simply just angels sent down to hold my hand at a given moment…. they all have helped me to fight my demons…. they can help me find my way but ultimately the battle is mine to fight alone…. the choice is mine to make… i can lay down my sword and have my life be devoured by my demons or i can fight, the choice is ultimately mine alone…
since the dawn of my puberty i’ve heard my siren’s haunting songs…. i’ve spent an empty lifetime looking at girls wishing that was me… the pain was constant and those visions constantly engulfed my world, drowning me…. everywhere i looked i saw what i was denied… at times i even wondered was my sight a curse or a gift….. i simply wanted my world “Painted Black”….. i prayed everyday, yet there was no god to hear my prayers… every night before i closed my eyes i prayed for my dream, yet i woke every morning just to face another day as the person i really didn’t want to be…. and i did that everyday in my life… so how did i fight these demons during my life… what could possibly take the desperation and pain away even if it was only temporarily…..
and so i took to spinning fantasies…… fantasies just to make my world a little more livable… a world that i wanted but was denied…. these were the dreams of the life i so desperately wanted… and soon my fantasies became my demons… i could not exist throughout the day without the fantasies of the world that i was denied… i needed these moments just to make it to another day…… as a teenager, i resorted to crossdressing in hopes to just experience what was stolen from me, even if it was only for a moment….. these became moments that i loved but only to feel the pain of the world that i was denied…. crossdressing always began with hope yet always ended in shame and tears….. i could not even enjoy the intimacies of making love with my wife… no the essence of her beauty and sexuality was destroyed by my demons…. the ugly fact was i could not enjoy the beauty of her body… no it was the twisted fantasies that i painted in my mind that enable me to go through with this sacred act of love…. i had to be her in this act of love…..i always wanted to take the submissive role, to be wildly caressed… i wanted my breasts to be smothered with love with hands that fondled them….. i wanted the seductive scent of her perfume on my body
and in the end i simply lived every moment of my life wishing “i was born a girl instead of the mess of a man that i am”…. and i lived in this hell for 66 years
Janis Ian wrote a song she titled “seventeen”…. it was a biographical song about her teenage years… feeling unattractive and socially left out, she viewed herself as a “wallflower” throughout her early years …. she was not in the popular circle of girls… she never had the teenage romances or the dates and proms that all teenage girls so desire… she simply looked at herself as the ugly duckling….. in my many years of teaching high school i saw my share of these girls….. quiet and withdrawn, and i always wondered what their real thoughts and feeling were… i saw the contrast between the “boy’s favorite” and the girls left in the shadows…. did they too lived their life fighting demons….
and today how many women are just like these girls… dreaming of being loved…. dreaming of a beautiful relationship… dreaming of just being touch by a hand other than their own…… dreaming of a hand to hold and lips that would kiss them…. kiss them forever….
and now i ask, “are these their demons that they must fight everyday?”
and today i find myself no different than these women and the demons they fight… for even though i am now complete in every way possible there is a part of me that i know will never be…. i lay here in this bed alone, and since my gender reassignment surgery i must perform this task now for the rest of my life… i lay here alone, and i will always be alone in these moments, that’s the ugly truth of the matter…. regardless of the tears i shed now, i will never do anything that would cause her to shed another tear…. she gave up her world because of the love she has for me….
and so i continue to fight my demons… they never stop haunting me with their songs…. i lay in this empty bed of solitude wanting to know what does it feel like to be physically loved…. to have hands caress this body and to bury me with their passion of kisses… to have someone make love to you because they so desire your body….. someone who wants to be smothered by the scent of my perfume…. i cry to be touch by another hand yet i know i never will be…. i want someone to dance with me, to hold me tight in their arms…. this world in which i exist is “still filled” with vision of what i will never have.. do my eyes seek out these lovers….. i can’t even open a magazine without staring sadly at an add with someone holding or touching as i cry to be…… was all this part of the bargain i got at my crossroads… yes i became what i always dreamed and prayed to be only in the end to still have demons to fight…
i wonder, is this all just a “simple twist of fate”
this is my world… i can never describe the joy i feel everyday being the woman i have become today, it’s magic, it’s a beautiful prayer, a blessing i have to enjoy now for eternity, yet the choice is mine…..
do i feed my demons with tears and depression or do i simply smile and remember the prayer i held as a child… the choice is mine
tess julianna 5/18/18