Essay on transitioning #7 Discharge Day

taken from my journal, “songs of the sirens”
March 24
today is my “discharge day”, i walk away complete in so many ways that i wasn’t before… there will be so many tears i will shed today…
most people go to a hospital because of failing health, not i…. GreenBaum Surgical Center has always been a dream, a dream in my future, a dream at times i never knew it would be worth holding on to, believing in… for most of my life i never really knew this Surgical Center existed at all but it was the idea that there “would be” a place that “understood”, a staff that would “embrace my dream” too, maybe in their own way… and if i did know of this Surgical Center, would i have walked around this building in my bearded days, daring to touch it for fear that i would never want to walk away….. i know that would have been the case……
life is full of twists and turns, stumbles, falls but also summits and dreams, we always have a choice, a choice on what to focus on…. and my dream led to a journey…. and to take this journey i learned very early i would need many a hands to hold, and i would find also an “unconditional love” that i never knew could exist…. she loved and believed in her bearded sailor and refused to let “his” hand fall alone, she would hold that hand regardless……
and soon after i began this journey i did learn of this building and of a doctor, but once again this was a dream that i lied about, i stood in that room “coming out”, only to promise her, as i cried my tears of shame, that this would never be a part of my journey….. it’s so sad, but i spent a lifetime of telling lies, it never ended, lies began to get more complex and form a tangled web of deceit, lies covered the essence of the person i was….. and as this dream began to slowly unfold the lies just continued….. i promised with blackened lies, again and again, that surgery was not a part of this dream…. but i could never stop lying to myself, not anymore…
i spent a lifetime trying to understand my forbidden desires and finally i had to stand in front of them, stand and accept the harsh truth of who i really was… and for that truth to be fulfilled i had to stop lying to at least myself… no, with all my heart i wanted this Surgical Center to become a pivotal point in my journey…..
i will never forget the first time i walked into Dr. Meltzer’s office… i heard of his name from many, always it was “his” name that they spoke of with love and admiration….. well it took me almost a year just for a consultation that i believed would really never lead to anything but more broken dreams…. that office was my “land of Oz” and soon i would see the “great one”, and it was during that visit that Dr. Meltzer introduced me to my surgeon, Dr. Ley…… words cannot express my respect and appreciation that i have towards you Dr. Ley….. i’ve been through his office doors many times now, and yes this will be the second time i have been blessed with the opportunity to walk out of the Greenbaum Surgical Center reborn….
and today i will walk through those doors in a river of tears…. i will walk out as a person i could only dream of being…. i will open that door to leave, only wanting to never leave… leaving means saying goodbyes that i just don’t have it in my young heart to say… to the nursing staff of Greenbaum Surgical Center you ALL are my dreamcatchers and i love you to death…..
to Dr. Meltzer and especially my surgeon, Dr. Ley, i don’t even know how to begin to say thank you…. to your unbelievable staff, i want to hug each and everyone of you….. “you all” have always been there for me, been there with a smile, with love and i knew you held my dreams with love and respect… that i will always hold dear…
today i will walk out these hospital doors screaming to every girl like me, screaming never stop believing in your dreams, believe in fairy godmothers, in angels, in ballerinas and especially in God…. and know that in my heart i pray you can all find your own Greenbaum Surgical Center and that special doctor’s office, a place where dreams will become not just a dream but your life
tess julianna 3/24/18

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