no, let’s dance

do we ever really know the journey before one takes it, and if they did would they have taken it sooner…… i can’t explain really what i’m feeling now, there’s an excitement and joy i’ve never had or felt before….. i can’t explain why, the cause is really confusing, but the results i love…..
“no, let’s dance”

it seemed like a lifetime ago,
yes, my path was through a forest
a forest with dead trees,
it was dark and so lonely
pain and frustration were my companions
and i left a trail of tears…
i questioned why i took this road,
surely there were other’s i could of taken
but i had to walk this path
remember
the choice is not our’s.

you watched me walk,
hugged me and told me to go on,
you did,
there would be an end
somewhere
you promised.
i lost the path often
i could not see
i could not see for the tears were too many
and i wandered
the forest was lifeless
the forest was endless

i cried
“i ‘m doing all you told me to”
HRT, electrolysis
i went part-time to full-time
and i still knew not who i was
therapy and group
and even surgery i planned,
i read what i could
i hated what i was,
i wanted “his” past
but i didn’t want to be him..
i was lost
and yes i cried

was this all a dream i ask?
i sit in this meadow
fireweed paints my vision
and there are butterflies
and beautiful dragonflies
and the raven cries out in joy
and i want to dance
never stop dancing…
i love my smile
and this excitement
an excitement i never felt,
and yes
yes is it true i’m in love
all young girls are…
yet i ask
is it because of this new born essence
an essence that fills my soul…
and then i find
no longer hidden
my path
and a rainbow…
hold my hand
we can skip
we can run and laugh
no let’s dance
tess julianna 7/21/17

 

ballerina-project.jpg

restless thoughts

taken from my journal, Songs of the Sirens

July 16
it’s 2 in the morning and i am restless…. my mind dances with thoughts and i can’t sleep, i try but i realize it’s hopeless, so i find my chair and my journal….. i realize that i am hungry for life, i can’t get enough…. i want to be surrounded by my new found friends but they are in another space… and i cry because some will be gone, just like that, the carousel begins and our life must move on… i regret the words that weren’t spoken, the thoughts and feelings that were never shared….. and i never really got to know your heart, your smile or your tears… i wanted to share all of mine, but then could you really understand…. and if you really understood would that change your smile…. and was it even necessary….. i try so hard to be just another image in the crowd but i can’t for i am drowning in this new found blessing and with this blessing comes a million questions…
i desperately try to understand feelings…. i was never ordinary, my thoughts came from a different place but i want to know and understand what you feel because i never was able to feel that… no i just had confusion and frustration painted with tears… but today all that is gone and i am alive for the first time in my life….
often i sit in silence and watch….. your world is alive with smiles and endless chatter…. i want to be in your circle but i am from a different time…… i am weathered from time and a poison i did not want and deep in my heart i know that your circle will never intersect mine…. it can’t until you really know what’s in my heart and how desperate i am to be a part of your circle…..
and i am learning that even amongst the joys of life there is still some pain…. do you feel the same, i wish i knew… but please don’t worry because i am too hungry for life now, now that i know what it’s like to be alive and happy…

it’s 4 in the morning and i am still restless for life… i am alive and i want to have no boundaries on this happiness… i want to grab this day and dance with it… i want these restless feelings never to tire, i am so young, but older than that now, but i don’t care and that will never be my failure……

tess julianna

“a walk along the jersey shore

IMG_8281some of life’s journeys are short but will last a lifetime
28 Dec. 93

“a walk along the jersey shore”
it’s a gray and cloudy day with a misty rain quietly falling while the shadows of summer now lie hidden by the stillness of winter…. on a lonely beach, with only the gulls to listen to my footsteps, i drift slowly along…. my footsteps now gently erase the multitude of prints that were carelessly and without thought left by the gulls…. the wind is gentle yet filled with the salty smell of a winter ocean….. and on this canvas painted in lonely shades of gray, the ocean plays its haunting symphony to my ears and with each breaking of the waves i wonder back farther into my youth….. my small feet once walked upon this beach…… and through the years that pass, the one constant on this beach was always the haunting rhythm of the sea……. but my thoughts how different they must of been…. why do i yearn for those lost summer days…… i walked this beach then without the wisdom of the years, years that have taught me to stop and listen to the music of this gray and lonely ocean…. now i learned to touch its mystic soul and listen more clearly to its song amongst the damp and chilly winds…. and always the haunting cries of the gull fill the air around me….. are they the butterflies within this meadow….. if so, where are the flowers that fill the air with their silent fragrance… instead the sting of the salt air.from a damp and lonely winter wind….. a wind that blows silently ashore, only to sweep across this lonely and desolate beach….. the laughter of summer days are now lost on this beach…. only the grays of winter must pass by slowly amid the naked trees of this season….. i wonder as one walks, can they see the beauty on this canvas or does one anxiously sweep this aside and think only of the days of summer…. for this wandering voyager i ask only for the solitude of this gray and cloudy day…. these damp winds i know will be tamed by the warmth of the fire and as i wander, its good to know that only the sea will erase my path along this shore but not my memory of this walk

both sides of life

both sides of life
native americans often called these people “two spirited” and they were held high in their culture…. what was it about their culture that they understood this aspect of life and today our society struggles so hard with it…

i am blessed as i have walked both sides of life and today i truly know what it feels like from both sides and to be in love with yourself and with life from this side…. and there is also a peace now, a peace over “his” past, no longer is there the pain, tears and frustration…. i don’t deny “him” or hate the fact that i had to be “him”, actually it was a true blessing and i can look back at “his” past and smile…. today i choose not to focus on “his” pain but “his” joy, and “he” did have much…. and today “he” gave her “his” beautiful heart and those big chocolate eyes that both my mother and Joanne loves…. “he” gave her an understanding or knowledge that unfortunately many on this side of life are unaware of, what it’s like on the other side

our house is still filled with a hundred reflections of “him” and “his” life….. i smile and think of those good times, for they were the minutes of “his” life that yes, “he” was happy and blessed…. and unfortunately they were only minutes because “he” struggled so hard with “his” pain, tears and frustrations, all of which “he” never understood but only knew it ripped “his” heart apart most of the time…. and there came that time when “he” finally had to cross over, “he” crossed over because life is too precious a gift to let a bullet or an empty vein steal it all away…. but this i can honestly say, for i have walked both sides of life, the joy of being in love, as a female, is the most amazing emotional high i’ve ever experienced…… i wish i could put these feelings into words, but you can’t, all you can do is smile…. is that why women have the most beautiful smiles…. today i have this incredible freedom to let out all my emotions whether they are tears or joy, and i love it… and i have loved Joanne from both sides of life and from my perspective loving her with this emotional freedom is beautiful…. and i know i can say this about every aspect of my life now…

i have what is now a two year journal called “Songs of the Sirens”… i add to it everyday of this journey…. in this journal it tells you what it was like for me to take my journey… it recorded all the tears i cried, the pain and frustration and now the gift of happiness… it’s a beautiful friend… someday maybe you can read it

thoughts written to a dear friend…. my journal…
thank you Mary for telling me to journal through this journey

the pages were empty..
alone…
without ones hands to gently turn
to stop and linger in thoughts
be they of pain or happiness…
you were unfilled
alone and empty like my broken spirit…
and then came my words

you didn’t care if they were words of pain or love
you never judged
but always accepted…
you knew my words were honest
the pain it was real,
for the tears would stain your pages…..
you taught me to hold on tight
when i was falling
being broken by ugly thoughts….
pain was all i felt for many of your pages
but you said “hold on tight you must”
for there was always another page
waiting for that smile
you promised….. just write one more page

all those words…..
pages and pages of silent words
never felt, but by your soul
and of those countless pages of words
you taught me to believe
that tears could be wiped from crying eyes
and my broken heart could mend….
you told my hand
never tire,
you must go on
find those words amongst the many
for the words can heal,
they have that magic, if you believe,
and so the words continued to come….
you told me honesty can hurt,
it will stain these pages with painful tears
but write the truth
with all its pain for then the words can change
and the tears can dry
and words of joy can start to fill these pages.

today i looked at the words
and like always tears were felt…
my heart it ached
but as the words continued to fall
i realized you were right,
you promised me,
you never lied…
today these pages had joy,
joy i never knew
and as i write my tears they rain
tears of joy
tears that wash away the pain
tears that know that the many empty waiting pages
can and will be filled,
filled with beautiful words….
oh my friend
with this tired pen
and all my words,
pages and pages of words,
you hold them dear…
never oh never let them fade
but let them rest in peace
if you will,
i love those words
because with them you showed me how to smile
so i write….
thank you my dear friend
tess julianna 4/13/2016

Dreams #64

i question, does this journey ever really end… how will i know, or do you ever really know…. i have found a happiness i never thought existed yet i know i still have many miles to pass

“dreams #64

she sits in a restless peace
with her mind flashing through a thousand photos
of lost moments…
silver will always tarnish,
and she always believed his dreams would rust,
die before their time
wilt before they could ever blossom….
and she wonders in these silent moments
was her essence a beacon
that his eyes frantically searched for,
like a sailor,
his way lost
sirens screaming
teasing him
tempting fate
like his dreams always did…..

and if today
she could steal that dream for him
would he believe…
for he had no faith,
his God had forsaken him…
but she would plead
let me paint a picture for you
and take this dream
take this dream and run
i promise
let me paint this picture for you….
but his eyes were blinded by lies
so he could never believe
for he never wanted to cry
and he knew
knew that lies never became truth,
like they promised
and so he cried

and today
they remind her time and time again
“you were blessed
your life, so beautiful”
and she quietly smiles
i hid his tears well
you never knew
you could never understand
his pain….
and it’s sad
it’s sad because i never even understood,
yes life can be like that….
journeys that had to be taken

and she silently wonders
when will my journey end
and life
my life will begin

tess julianna 6/7/17

it’s now one month later and i know i have found the happiness i’ve always prayed for… to all those Grand Princess passengers this summer (2017), i thank you for your love, and to the crew of the Grand you are beautiful…  yes this journey will continue, but everyday i love waking up and seeing her beautiful smile

“beautiful feelings”

life is nothing more than a multitude of journeys…. and with these journeys i had my share of pain, tears, frustration and what i thought was happiness… i faced everyday looking for happiness because life is too precious a gift to waste… and today i love the journey that i’m on…. for my smile has never been brighter…..
written after watching the evening’s first production show of “Born to Dance” and waiting for the second show to begin… i am now in love with my life, it’s beautiful and so is my smile

“beautiful feelings”
my stomach is in knots
i can’t concentrate on anything
my eyes dance across the screen unable to focus
and there’s an energy flowing thru me,
a high i’ve never experienced before
and i ask
why does my heart feel like this,
is it joy
excitement
happiness
i know not
but i want to sing
i want to dance
i want to be young, alive and in love,
all that she was denied..
and if this is happiness
i’ve never know it as such
and it scares me…
“he” never felt like this
and i ask
am i addicted to “her” essence
or that potion that flows through my blood
so i cry
i cry because i can’t get enough
will there ever be enough of this feeling
for i would not want to live without this joy because now i know what true happiness is

tess julianna 6/24/17

“dreams”

i’m battling thoughts of my immortality and i write:

“dreams”

i’m Ketchikan bound and
dreams…. they are chasing me…. scaring me through this night,
and yet their cries of joy still echo all through this sleepless night…..
my window to this world was thrown open…..
a broken twilight comforts me…… it paints that world that i love…. that i cry for….
am i blessed or cursed
do i really know……..
thoughts and visions dance through my sleepless state….
and yet i’m scared…..
i grow older
i want to grab out and cling…..
hold on to this blessing…
i want to sweat again….rest on a rock and cry out in joy
i want to feel fear racing through my blood
i want to lay and feel her heart beat
smell her scent
i want to mold memories that won’t rust in time
i feel my shelves are still only half full
all those books that call out for my weary eyes….
cry for my hands to caress their pages
i want to feel the loss of throwing out boots that carried me through endless journeys…..smell the leather that was bathed in sweat
i want to look into his eyes…. his unconditional love…. his scent…to see his shadow walk with mine

and i cry
i cry for those tranquility days are gone
dam-it, why did i let them slip away in the night…
do we ever know our blessings until they are stolen from our grasp…
you tell me there are others to be had
the hell with you
for i will never be able to replace perfection
she was mine
and she’s gone
god i love….no i hate these memories…
does the pain of loss feel good
does it bronze those lost memories forever

part ll

its 4 in the morning and my spirit is restless…
tormented by words that scream out to be felt….
to be written
the wind sings a haunting song as i stand on a lonely deck bathed in the tears of dew…
my favorite sweatshirt
worn from use
hugs me in a feeling of warmth as this new day unfolds…
i love this loneliness of dawn,
solitude that is all mine…
i’m selfish…. as i want to steal these moments so they are mine alone..
the sky is undecided between the gray clouds and broken blue…
the forest
still a shadow of green that floats by ever so slowly
i wonder do these islands have names
do they really need a label placed upon their shoulders
a burden they must carry on the charts of those who live on this sea….
a new day begins to dawn
the mountains drift by
my heart and soul cries out to these broken dreams of mine
and these dreams will keep this broken body…
keep my hands grasping…… and clinging
keep me dreaming….
for my dreams are my tomorrows
and my today’s
well they always become my yesterday’s

tess julianna 6/30/15