Essay on transitioning “fighting my demons/Part II”
i walk the ship amongst the echoes of praise that the passengers sing…. i love the sound of my name and oh how glad i am that i chose that simply but beautiful sound to be the music of my name….. how can i help but to feel beautifully accepted… the hugs and smiles are endless… never have i ever known or felt happiness like this before… i feel i am so blessed and i deeply appreciate this blessing i have been given and never will i stop saying my prayers of thanks….. and often i catch the reflection i cast in a mirror, i’ll stop, but for a moment and smile, at times i could almost cry i am so happy…. the blessing that Dr. Ley bestowed upon me with her gifted hands i could never thank her enough…. it’s funny but now in this life i am always seeking out a mirror to witness this reflection that i love so dearly….. yes dreams do happen… so how can i not be happy….
in a “visual sense” i have transitioned into the woman of my dreams and i wish this happiness and inner peace that i feel for every girl like me… on my handbag i always carry a small pennant with the gender symbol that i carried within me all my life, and next to that is a small disc that simply states, “i was born like this”… and today i carry no shame for what i am… for i have to believe i was created like this for a reason…. i will not question His divine plan but just maybe my purpose in this life is simply to help others to understand, we too are beautiful, and really no different than you….
and even if i look into the eyes of these passengers, for i have learned the eyes can reveal what the heart feels, and looking in their eyes today i just feel happiness because at that moment they just see my image as one of many in a crowd… i stop and chat often with many, just a typical conversation, a conversation that they might have with anyone they were fond of…..
but then i scream at my demons…. please leave me alone, i cried enough for a lifetime because of your haunting cries…. and in that moment i am not that beautiful woman but just a fragile soul trying not to be “read”…. i hate it, will this ever end….. and in my heart i cry because i know this is my fate…. but i ask, “does this have to be my curse in life?”
and if i think about this, what is really tearing me into pieces…. it’s the simple question, “have they “read” that i am transgender?…. and to them at that moment in time, being transgender really doesn’t matter for they have been captured in the essence of my soul…. and for me, i will probably never see these people again after this cruise… have i given them a positive outlook “on being transgender’ ….. that yes i am transgender but in reality am i not really any different than you……
and now i think…. all of my friends i have, really good friends, they all know my secret…. they know my secret and still love and accept me… with these friends i don’t have to worry about being “read”, they all know….. but with the friends i am making now this summer on the ship, we get along and enjoy each other’s company, it’s that simple,… that in itself should be the bottom line, we are friends… and now i cry, “why do i need to know if they have “read” me”….. at that moment in our relationship it really doesn’t affect our friendship, yet i have this burning need to know, to know, have they “read” me…. is my desire to be cis-gender that strong that it’s still tearing my heart apart…. and i think, strip me down naked and am i not just like you… yes i am but in my heart i know i am not… XY can never be XX, that is my genetic curse to always carry,
and i cry… why are my demons stealing my happiness, why am i letting this happen… is it the self esteem that i battled with all my life, my insecurity of who i am… i know not why am i more comfortable once a person knows my secret…..
and in this moment in time i feel simply very fragile
tess julianna 5/24/18
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