my last journal entry in “Songs of the Sirens”

Nov 6
today marks my 3 year anniversary of my “Coming Out” and with that i will write the final entry into my journal… it’s around 3:30 in the morning and so many of my journal entries were written in these early hours of the day, sitting in this chair alone with only my thoughts and mostly my tears…… and as i woke this morning i knew that this last journal entry  must also be written in these early hours….… all things must have an ending and so must my journal… after three years i’ve completed all my surgeries, i worked now for two summers in Alaska as tess, i’m active in my church and i’m working as a substitute teacher as much as i choose too and all this i’m doing as the woman i always wanted to be…. my transition has to end at some point so that i can really move forward in my life and for me it might as well be now….
this journal has been so important to me as it has recorded all my tears and joys during this journey… i can easily say this journal is one of my proudest accomplishments…
and i sit here now reflecting back on my transition, remembering so many beautiful moments… Mary handing me my “simple piece of paper” allowing me to begin my Hormone Replacement Therapy… that day  was so important to me, as with beginning HRT i would really begin my journey….. it was on that day that i brought my Brighton bracelet with the words “Embrace the Journey” and i wear that bracelet everyday to remind me the gift of this journey….. i’ll never forget that evening sitting at the dinner table and taking my first dose of estrogen… i hope i never forget all the joy and frustration during that first year… i can remember when Joanne bought me my very first handbag, how excited i was to finally have one of my own and to be able to carrying it in public… i celebrated that day by getting my very first manicure… i can remember how nervous i was and how long it took me to get up my courage to get out of my car and walk through that door… i loved that manicure but i could only keep in on for a few days as i had church that following Sunday and nobody knew of my situation… after my manicure i went and saw Susan to have her do my hair before Group that evening…. all those beautiful moments are recorded in my journal… my legal name change, getting my drivers license, so many steps i had to go through… at times i still wish i could relive some of the excitement of those moments but i know also there were so many tears too… probably my favorite photo taken during that time was the photo i took the morning of my reassignment surgery… my smile was so beautiful and that was such an exciting day for tess for her lifelong wish was finally being granted…. so many beautiful moments i would love to have back again and again but life must move ahead…
my transition has been so hard on me, yes it’s the hardest thing i ever had to do and still there are times i wish i didn’t have to take this journey… i’m still adjusting to “being transgender”… it’s something i don’t think i will ever really get over…. and i guess as long as i cling to the beautiful memory of jules i will always be tossed between two different worlds… that’s alright… i accept that….
and the gift i never thought i would receive from taking this journey is all the beautiful people i now call friends… jules really didn’t have many friends, no jules had his circle of people he associated with but they really weren’t friends…. no, for there were never any tears, secrets or moments of joy shared with these people… today i am embraced and really loved by so many people… these friendships have changed my life as much as i have effected their life…

and so these chapters must end as with the pages in these chapters…. i will continue writing journal entries, my essays and poetry but now they will go into a new journal simply called ”after Songs of the Sirens”… so my beautiful friend we must part now but know i love you and will always cherish the moments i spent with you… i thank you for helping me wipe my tears and finding the courage to take this journey…. i will miss these pages so very much

all my love
tess julianna

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