how do you say goodbye to a dream

life is full of many journeys… some you really never want to end, but like all journeys they have an ending… my journey with Tranquility will always be cherished… these words are taken from her Ship’s Log… after i sold Tranquility i kept her Log and her Ensign, and today i still hold these so dear…..

November 11, 2014
Call it what you want… a new chapter… a beginning.. the end of a beautiful relationship… moving on… it really doesn’t matter what i call this but i must walk this troubled path… and i will walk it alone, with much thought… turmoil… and definitely regret and pain…
i finally made the decision to put Tranquility, a dream come true, up for sale….. was it time… i really think it is, but i would be lying if i said i didn’t have second thoughts… i can read through the pages that make up this journal, the ship’s log, a log and journal that i kept from the first day i boarded her… God how i wish i had that day back again… the excitement…. and i am blessed, for by reading these pages i can relive a dream i thought i would never have possessed… this has been a beautiful journey and i thank God everyday for it…
slowly over the course of 2 days i started to filled boxes with what made Tranquility special to me, what made Tranquility “Tranquility”… it was the little things that brought the tears, for with each item i remembered the occasion when i found the item… the port of call i was in, and the decision that this would be the perfect gift for my lady, Tranquility…. hurrying back to Tranquility to give her, her gifts… gifts that were to be found throughout my Tranquility… my “Captain” name plate that was mounted over my berth…. the oil lantern that gave me a warm glow during all those lonely evenings in which we shared that treasured solitude… boxes were filled with memories that can never and will never be taken from me… i still took the time to carefully wash her down, i always wanted my lady to look beautiful… oh how i’ll miss all the hours of tinkering, of caring, of caressing and always admiring with pride…
as the boxes were filled her spirit was slowly ebbing away… what made her mine was slipping away in boxes… i know the hardest part was yet to come… my final journey and then just walking away…
i was frustrated with the constant pain in my elbow… i could hardly raise the main sail to check the sail’s condition after the long summer of not being used… that was the first summer that passed without beautiful summer days spent sailing or just being with “my lady”… my body is now plagued with pain and frustration with everything i try to do… pulling out her batteries and checking them was almost too much for me…

i left Tranquilty that weekend knowing that different hands would be looking after her in the future… would they ever be able to see or even feel the love and joy she gave back to me…

some roads are hard to walk… i know this road will be one… ah my little lady, my Tranquility…. oh God how i love you so

December 17, 2014
a phone call….words were spoken…and with those words my dream will come to an end….. yes… Tranquility was sold. Should i be happy… no instead i shed a silent tear as i felt my heart breaking as my dream really started coming to its end….. dreams are beautiful things in life… they can keep your spirit alive… they are a form of hope for the future…. yet dreams have to end

its hard to imagine my life without Tranquility… she was a life’s dream….. part of my daily thoughts…. something to always look forward to… those quiet moments we shared…. i hate to think that i will not hear the wind fill her sails… feel her hull heeled over with the ocean racing by…. the salt air in my face….. beautiful moments…. that became memories that i will always cherish

i still have yet one more trip to take….
more boxes will be filled as i remove what made Tranquility so special to me….. and then i must take my final sail….. i’ll fly her ensign as always but i must accept that other hands will replace the movements that were always mine…. i will have to step away from the helm… so many hours my hands held onto it…. always guiding her along….the compass…how many times did i check my course…. my eyes never grew tired from her reflection…
i will shed a light on her personality….. how she liked her sails to be trimmed….. reveal her soul and spirit….. i must let her go… but i will with a prayer of thanks

12/26
its night now… the marina is quiet….the air outside is cool and soon i will have to turn on my little space heater…. like so many other evenings i sit in my spot… music fills the cabin…. yet as i look around i see only empty shadows of what once was my dream…. all that made Tranquility mine….. my books ….. my memories….. they all have been taken off…. i sit alone without even Joshua to keep my tears company…. he should be here with me…. his blue pillow that spent many a days on my berth has been packed away…. his reflection is gone…… there will be no more long walks along the bay with him by my side… those lazy mornings with the two of us in the cockpit…reading… just enjoying the moment….. as i look through my tears i see so many beautiful memories that were made….. this boat was a treasure chest filled with memories that are only mine…its sad but n0body knows of my time with Tranquility…. all those memories will be lost with me…..

tomorrow i’ll do the “sea trial”…. meet those who’s hands will caress my lady….. i can only pray that she is treated as i did….

i feel so empty tonight….i want to just curl up in my berth and cry to sleep…. but my time is so limited….. in a way i want the night to last forever…. she is still mine…. she is still mine….. and i can’t think of leaving her

December 27, 2014 Day of Tranquility’s Sea Trial

this will most likely be my last sail on Tranquility…. a thought that i have a hard time really grasping….. my feelings are numb… my emotions are drained…. my tears are dry…. i can’t even think about what my emotions, my thoughts will be when her sails are raised….. no longer raised by my hands with my eyes reaching upward… watching that beautiful white sail reach for the heavens…. and then when the wind fills her sails and the engine goes silent….. i know there will be many a secret tears being shed

but for now i sit alone…. alone with a million memories in a spot i sat so many times before…… and this morning i sit here and have what will probably be my last mug of tea aboard Tranquility….. as i sat there i only wish i could grab ahold and relive each and every one of those golden and salty memories… and Joshua…. i miss my faithful mate…. always wanting and hoping to jump up on my lap and share the minutes resting in my legs while i would give him his loving pets…..

its a beautiful day today… blue skies with the promise of wind… i sit with tears as my company and a million thoughts… waiting for my heart to be broken

December 27, 2014 Tranquility’s Sea Trial

i left the dock for the last time…… i was glad i was alone with my tears…. i would meet the hands that would care for Tranquility over in Shelter Island…. so this last journey i took slowly as my tears would not let the minutes rush by…. how many times i traveled these waters only to wait for the wind… a day on the water… what could possibly be better… but today was so different……

i wait on a foreign dock….. numb…. i can’t even relax and enjoy these last moments on Tranquility…. i hate these minutes

finally…. and for my very last time i guide Tranquilty from its berth… and then i hand her helm to those hands… God i pray they will cherish this dream that i’m letting go…. we sail the bay… words are being said but am i really listening… i’m lost in sadness… so many times i want my hands to take the helm…… i curse my decision to let her go…… must this beautiful dream end….. finally knowing my last minutes are racing by i take the helm….. i feel her ways… is she also shedding tears as we part our ways…. slowly i take her to the dock

many words are said and broken promises are made… her name will no longer grace her sides…. in a way i’m happy because Tranquility was me…. we were one for all those years… soulmates…..

and now i’m alone…. i pack my bags and load the dock cart…. the minutes race by slowly… i hesitate a million times…. i look time and time again with my hungry eyes wanting to capture every image and thought for eternity….. i leave her cabin only to return again…… my tears are my only companion along with my broken heart….. i lock her companionway… and then i walk away… i looked back countless times as my dream came crashing to a close….. a final photo… my final steps as i walk out of a beautiful dream

 

January 9, 2015
papers were signed… there was no excitement like the last time… no anxious dreams of the days ahead…. i moved reluctantly through the motions knowing it was all but gone… are these my betrayal papers… and my bag of silver…. they are just coins…. coins that anyone can gather….. and with these papers her named will be gone….. erased…. no longer spoken …. no longer will i hear your name….. i’m so sorry, my lady…. the tears i shed are real…. they represent our love…. all those magical days we shared…. God what have i done…… i walk away now…. but before i leave know that i loved you so very much… and always… always i know i have our memories that i will cherish….. Tranquility…. you always will be a beautiful dream that i loved so very much
thank you…. and to you, Joanne… my eternal thanks for giving me a dream

January 14, 2015
I hold a check in my hand….. but in my heart i hold memories of a dream that lasted for 11 years…. to me they are worth more than this bag of tarnished silver

…and i cry
i cry for those tranquility days are gone
dam-it, why did i let them slip away in the night…
do we ever know our blessings until they are stolen from our grasp…
you tell me there are others to be had
the hell with you
for i will never be able to replace perfection
she was mine
and she’s gone
god i love….no i hate these memories…
does the pain of loss feel good
does it bronze those lost memories forever

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