March 15, 2019
these were the words written as a dream i held began to unfold right before my eyes… i also include the words that i write now trying to have those days back again…
March 14, 2018
i want to remember every moment of today…. going in for my pre-op appointment today i really knew that this wasn’t just another broken dream, no this was my miracle actually taking place… i walked through the door into Dr. Meltzer and Dr. Ley’s office wanting to remember my feelings and my thoughts, every detail…. i remembered the first time i walked into this office, i was going for a consultation just for my testicles to be removed… this surgery was just a dream i felt i never could achieve, Joanne could never accept… but the feelings of being in this office, a place where dreams and miracles would happen held me in awl…. and since that day i have walked through these door many times and aways with this day in mind….
after Joanne and i checked into her hotel we went to Fashion Plaza, i went because i wanted to get something so that i would always remember today and there was a Brighton store to help me remember today… i bought two charms for my charm bracelet, one saying “Dream Big” and another saying “Life is Beautiful”, both will always remind me of this dream and how beautiful life is…..
my thoughts today brought many tears of joy, moments when all this would really hit me…. my mind flies from one thought to the next, always with tomorrow in mind…. i laid out my clothes for tomorrow when i will report for my surgery…. i will wear an outfit of sweats, and i bought these in mind just for tomorrow.. i have read and reread my directions for tonight, i’ve examined everything in my big black bag given to me with everything i will need after my surgery… and yes in there were my dilators, something that i will hold in my hands doing a procedure i must do now everyday for the rest of my life…… and with all this i keep thinking how beautifully my body will have changed after tomorrow…. and in all honesty i am amazed at how excited i am that i will really have my new and beautiful breast…
and i think of the amazing circle of friends that i have standing with me and sharing in my miracle… i’ve never felt this much love from so many people before… to know that so many people feel that i am special, that i may have touched their life in some special way… “he” was a beautiful person and i only wish “he” could of felt all this love that i feel today…. in a way it’s so sad that transition causes these feelings… i know that jules will always be a part of me, but i know also that am no longer jules… and i wonder does Joanne still feel “his” essence as much as i do at times…. and i know with this surgery a physical part of “him” will be taken away forever… a face that Joanne once loved so dearly is being taken apart piece by piece…. “his” body is losing the reflection that Joanne loved to see, only to be replaced with a dream “he” held for a lifetime… once again i keep taking and Joanne silently loses…..
if i could have those days back, i would take them back in a minute…. without a doubt they were the most beautiful days in my life…. a dream i held for so long was really going to happen…. for the past month all i could think of was my upcoming surgery and the days that would follow… it didn’t matter what i was doing, i had only one thing on my mind…. but it’s a year later and those special days are now gone… they will never come back again, just like your youth, they are gone forever….
a year ago tonight my bags were packed and all i had to do was wait till the morning…. i had carefully picked out the outfit i would wear for my pre-op appointment with Dr. Ley… i wanted everything to be just right…
and today a year later i once again picked out a special outfit for my appointment with Dr. Ley….. today my appointment wasn’t a pre-op appointment but my first annual internal exam with Dr. Ley….
there are moments in life that are so special and beautiful… i cry because i want them all back again and i can never have them back… i don’t even think about the pain that i felt in the days, and even months that would follow…. the healing process was slow and long but the miracles i ask Dr. Ley to do in those two days of surgery i knew would be worth the pain….
and today a year later my body has healed….. there is no more swelling on my face…. the swelling and soreness in my newly created vagina is gone and now instead of dilating 4 times a day, as i did those last few days in the hospital, i dilate every other day and without any pain or discomfort….. and i love my smile and the sparkle in my eyes and i guess it’s just because finally i really love the entity that i am….
March 15,2018 (3AM)
today is really here, a day i prayed for and waited for, i waited for a lifetime, actually it was two lifetimes…”he” had this dream, but it was always just a broken dream, a dream that caused “his” heart to break a thousand times over every time “he” looked at “his” reflection in the mirror”, it” was always there, there to remind “him” that prayers and dreams are useless, your fate was cast and you never had a chance to scream no… a thousand times you crossdressed behind locked doors just trying to get a second of happiness, a second without the pain and frustration but all you ever got was just more pain and tears…. and how many times did i stand in a shower to cleanse my soul and my hand would grab my fate and try to erase that image, tucking it behind my legs, hiding it so that as i looked down all i saw was a reflection that i would never have…….
“….and every night I lied in bed. the brightest colors would fill my head with a million dreams but all they were, were just dreams….and i would think of what MY WORLD COULD BE……. but i learned early in life that dreams were just made to be broken…..
but tonight i could not sleep because dreams do happen and prayers are answered and yes there are fairy godmothers that grant little girl all their dreams and wishes….
and how many mornings have i sat in these early hours of each new day writing words, words to heal my soul and dry my tears…. always this day was there in my mind, but it was just a dream i was trying to believe in, trying to believe that dreams are not always broken… many mornings i sat with tears as i tried so hard to believe in my journey… i learned that i had to shed a thousand tears to wash away my pain, but in the end i did just that…. every tear i cried now has allowed my dream to grow, to grow so today i can cry out to the world that yes “this is me” and no you did not break me down or wash my dreams away and yes “today” will happen, it’s not just another dream…
in two hours i will finally walk into that hospital and prep for my dream to be granted… and how many countless smiles and hugs will i carry with me, friends that believe in who i am, that helped me dry my tears and wash away my pain, friends that have me in their thoughts and prayers for this day…. and i walk into this dream with my God, believing and not questioning, filled with prayers of praise and thanks…
and holding a hand that i have held for a beautiful 46 years, a hand that has shown me what unconditional love really means….
Mar 15, 2019
i don’t know how this story will end… i remember a beginning… and there are chapters within this story that i could read time and time again… and in one of those chapters there are the most beautiful pages in this story…
March 15, 2018… i could relive moments in that day forever, forever because never have i’ve felt such a happiness, such an excitement for the hours ahead… and within these pages are the moments when a dream i held for a lifetime unfolded right before my eyes…. i capture this moment, this paragraph just a few hours before my gender reassignment surgery… i was in our hotel and we were getting ready to ride over to the hospital….the smile, the happiness in my eyes are worth a million words and to this day ,
this photo will always be my favorite. the days that followed i can remember, i remember laying in my hospital bed wrapped in a celebration, yes there was pain as my body had just been through over 10 hours of surgery… two facial procedures, my reassignment surgery and only 3 days later i would have my breast augmentation surgery… all the pain really wasn’t a factor for my happiness overshadowed all that pain….
and today i cry, i cry because i want those moments back… moments that had the most joyful happiness i will ever experience…. letting go of these moments is hard for me… it always has been… and that why today i’m crying… but the tears are for those beautiful pages.. pages in what is a beautiful story…
and so i struggle… these are my demons today
tess julianna 3/15/19