transitioning…a dream or a tragedy

A post from Alana Joy

So it’s five a.m. of yet another long and sleepless night. I vaguely remember the days when I did experience nights of sleep, but these days sleep is a rarity, any sleep at all. And the nights I recall when I’d sleep seven hours straight thru, now extremely rare. Oh well.

No, now it’s lie awake analyzing every facet of your life all night long, beat yourself up for the dumb things, like transitioning, that you’ve done. Yeah, I said dumb things. Transitioning equals throwing away every single element of a life you’ve ever known, and doing so in the hope of finding something better. I guess this could be seen as a giant leap of faith by some, tho personally I see it more as an act of desperation. The desperation of releasing ones self from the ever clinging claws of G.D. (Gender Dysphoria).

But we transition to be ourselves you say. Ok, but at what cost? And how do you define being yourself? Is being yourself only a gender thing? Personally I have found there is a whole lot more to being myself than just gender. And since transitioning, I have lost that. The real me is gone!

Or is it? Or could it be that pieces of that cocoon are still breaking away? Pieces of the old and familiar life are still desperately trying to hold on as an all new life is slowly being created?

Since starting my transition 6 1/2 years ago I have experienced extreme highs, extreme lows, and every possible flavor of emotion in between. I have had experiences both good and not so good, but all have taught me something new.

Our universe is constantly expanding and so are the entities which we each call me. I believe this is why we are here, to experience, to learn, and to create. And while it is easy to remain as we are, it is not so easy to take that step into the unknown. If we are to expand our knowledge then we must take that step into the unknown, the unfamiliar. And as we do so we create a whole new life for ourselves.

Some of us have thick skulls (such as myself) and we have to fall and hit rock bottom before we can see through the haze and glimpse a shimmer of light. But the experiences we gain in doing so give us a new understanding of things we could not have previously understood.

So, do I still see transitioning as a dumb thing? Yup, I certainly do. I mean, you’ve gotta be out of your mind to think you can transition from male to female, or female to male, in a society which is so focused upon sexuality and the physical body!

No, there’s nothing even remotely easy about transitioning. And looking back now I see how living with GD while also not easy, still was nothing compared with transitioning and living and dealing with the issues of post transition. 

But here we are, a small minority of individuals born into this world to take that step into the unknown, to experience emotions beyond the comprehension of most, and to hopefully help create a new, more accepting, more understanding, and loving world for future generations of humanity.

I just hope that upon the day I depart this physical plane I can look back and see that I had a small but positive part in this, and that I somehow left this place a tiny bit better than it was when I arrived, but honestly, I think this is all most of us can hope for. While it hasn’t been easy, I am thankful for my experiences both good and not so, and I am thankful for every sleepless night that I can somehow turn into a positive experience by morning, whether any of this makes any sense or not. Now off with the lights, I’m getting sleepy . . . 

i responded:

Tess Julianna Alana… i too am experiencing all these feelings that you are… did we even have the faintest idea of what our world would be like once we began to transition… all i saw was the broken dreams that i fantasized over all my life, and guess what… some never happen..

I responded:

Tess Julianna

i wonder…. no i know for a fact…  one can look at their transition, at various points during that transition and ask the question… was this a dream or a tragedy..

i have no regrets on transitioning… but then this wasn’t a choice… an emotional collapse, unable to go on for even another moment… unable to rationalize or even think… i did what i wanted to all my life… i did what i had to do for the pain was just too much and i couldn’t bear it any more… i cried out in pain… 

and in that moment i didn’t think of any of the consequences, what life would be like, what trials i would have to face… no i was scared and fragile and i didn’t want to die i just wanted to be the girl i always prayed to be

From “a thousand voices in my head”

i stand here

broken and crippled,

raped by pain

emotionally stripped

with voices in my head

10,000 strong and more

pounding in my brain

these voices in my head

and the words that i said

my life had ceased

paralyzed

strip of reasoning

responding only to pain

with voices in my head

10,000 strong and more

pounding in my brain

these voices in my head

and the words that i said

a bullet 

naked and cold

a rusted razor

an empty vein

or a sinner to scream

a pleading confession

with voices in my head

10,000 strong and more

pounding in my brain

these voices in my head

and the words that i said

so given a choice, remember it’s a choice i never had… would i transition or just bear the pain of gender dysphoria and continue on as jules…

this i know for a fact…  a smile comes on my face every morning as i awake and know that I AM A WOMAN… at times the world doesn’t see that smile or that fact but in my heart i know i am… i gently caress my femininity and i think of all those tears that were cried just to be here in this moment…  how can i ever forget the joy i experienced that day i really began my journey… i was sitting with tears of joy as i took my first dose of estrogen….  something i must do everyday for the rest of my life… or the incredible joy i felt as i was being taken into the operating room for a surgery i prayed all my life for… no one will ever know that joy we felt in those moments… you have to be transgender to understand and appreciate that joy we felt in those moments…

 and at night when i close my eyes i know i will wake once again as a woman… that is a blessing i prayed for every night in my life as jules..

but now i will also be honest with you.. this is part of the pain i carry with me everyday….i wonder and sometimes pray will i ever be able to walk into a room without the thoughts that plague me… is that laughter directed at me… do they know… do they even care… what are they thinking… i can always see the questions in their eyes…

a lady asked me once, “tess if you had one wish right now what would you wish for?”  without even thinking i answered to walk into a room just as you do… all everybody sees is a woman, yea she may be beautiful or just plain but the bottom line is they see a woman..

 and most days now i stand in a classroom… in front of my world, in front of my peers, in front of the the generation that i hope will end all this hate…yea i believe most of them know my secret… and i know some hate what i represent… but this is ME and this is the community and family not only that i belong to but what i represent…. and i feel i owe it to everyone of my brothers and sisters to stand there with pride… it’s hell a lot of the time…  but i have to do this…  i have to show those kids, the kids just like i was in my teens… battling gender dysphoria that you can do it… look at me..

and then in the summer i literally stand before thousands as tess… yea tess is transgender but most see the beauty of the person that she is…. i have to show the world that i have no shame… for i did nothing ever to be ashamed of… 

this world of transitioning is so full of the up’s and down of just trying to be accepted and feeling accepted… at times i think of all i had to go through just to get to where i am today… there were days of nothing but tears… and guess what… i still cry….  the surgeries i had just to go through, the endless hours of electrolysis just try to feel and appear feminine…  the endless days of trying just to appear as a woman…  and in those early days of transitioning, no one will ever know the daily battles we fight just to be who we are  

would i do this again… at times i think being jules had so many good points especially since he was loved and so well accepted… but tess was always in his heart needing to come out… yea transitioning is the hardest thing you can ever do in life and at times i can understand why people would say “why did you do that”… but the bottom line is, if they had tess in their heart screaming to be… and the pain of gender dysphoria they would understand…. 

and sometimes it’s the quiet moments when i sit in silence, caressing who i really am…  i imagine the world is exactly as i want it to be… but then the reality of my situation stares me in the face… and it hurts and i want to cry…  i will never be loved or be able to love someone as a woman….  i want to be kissed as a woman, hugged and desired… doesn’t every woman want that.   i have to have dreams… 

i love my wife dearly for she has stood by my side through all of this… she loves tess in so many beautiful ways….  and i will never cause her anymore pain than i have caused her with just being tess instead of the man she fell in love with..   

transitioning is bittersweet… but i have never felt the joy i have in those special moments when i know i am tess

 i love you Alana and my prayers are always with you

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s