i’m so sorry

Feb 25

i was sitting down getting ready to play my guitar… my eyes were captured by a photo on a shelf of my bookcase right where i was sitting… the shelves of my bookcases are filled with golden moments that were captured by my camera… and the photo that caught my eyes had “him” sitting on the tailgate of his truck… he loved that truck…  his smile was framed by his salt and pepper beard… sunglasses hid his eyes… his arms tense by his side showed the muscular definition that he always carried with him… he exercised continuously throughout his life to maintain that definition… he looked happy… why wouldn’t he… he was sitting in his truck and it was loaded for one of his countless adventures he pursued…..

today i look at many of these photos and they all brings sadness to my heart… in so many ways i loved being jules but there was always that dysphoria that ripped that happiness apart… i can look at any of these photos and even though they all show his smile, none of these photos were able to capture the pain and endless frustration he always carried with him… i often wonder what “his” life would of been like if gender dysphoria was not his cross to bear…. and the sad thing is i will never know…

today, as tess, i have never been happier in my life… living without that constant dysphoria is a blessing only a transgender will know…. today i am living a dream i carried in my heart all my life,  and every time i stand naked and smile at my reflection in the mirror, it’s confirmation that yes i am a woman…. today i can not even imagine living my life other than being tess…. being tess is being complete… it’s feeling beautiful.. it’s living with a constant parade of emotions that men have know idea what they are missing… 

once again my thoughts drift to that photo and my heart cries out, “why did i have to be jules only to become tess… both of their lives were raped of treasured moments because of my dysphoria….. i’m so sorry jules… i’m so sorry that you had to carry that pain…. that you had to live with that ”lost angel” crying to be set free….

and i can never thank you enough for letting her wings finally open and fly and letting g me find true happiness…

but it’s today, and i can never bring back or change the past