from “transgender day of visibility”

Transgender…. a label i now own and a world that i now live within… it’s not easy… i spent a lifetime with tears, at times i feel it was a lifetime that was wasted and there are many days that i can still feel like that… i grew up in an age when we had no information to help us figure out why we felt so different, why i was in so much pain…
if i have but one regret in this world it’s just that i feel so bad for someone who is still so very special to me and that person is jules… i spent 66 years living as jules… it wasn’t a waste in any way but instead i look at it as a gift or a blessing… Jules was and still is an amazing person… he lived a beautiful life and was and is still loved by so many people… i just wish jules could of lived that life with a smile in his heart instead of tears.. but i guess those tears were necessary for tess to realize the blessing she has today…
jules grew up with tears and pain… tess grew up today learning what it’s like to be hated, to be laughed at, to be looked at with disgust and simply not to be understood… the little over 4 years that i’ve lived this life i can honestly say i’ve cried more than i ever have in my life… transitioning is so hard, so very hard… but then happiness has its price…

and today i love the fact that i am tess… and yes i am transgender and i try to wear that label with pride… believe me it’s a confusing and hard process… yes i would love to be able to walk into a room, as any other cis-gender woman and not have to feel or think what people are saying about me… i wish in so many ways i could just feel i am totally a woman, but i can’t… maybe that’s just jules saying please don’t forget me… remember it was jules who carried that lost angel in his heart until she was ready to open her wings and fly…

so on this special day of visibility (sorry i’m a few days late) i celebrate… i celebrate for tess and for jules… and i have something that is really special… i think of it as my gift in life because i have seen life from both sides, man and woman and i’ve loved both as a man and a woman… and now today i know what real happiness feels like… i know what it feels like to wake up everyday with a smile knowing that i am tess… and at night i never forget to thank God for giving me this happiness

so to everyone of you, and there are so many, who have loved us both, i thank you … and today even though i still can feel that hatred i’ve never felt so much love from so many people who really matter to me… your love has carried me through… and to you Joanne, thank you for always loving us and still holding my hand..

yes i am transgender…. was and always will be

3 thoughts on “from “transgender day of visibility””

  1. Hi Tess. I’m just getting around now to reading this and wanted you to know I’m out here appreciating your blog. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through and I admire your bravery. It makes me mad to think that people hate you. I hope you’re wrong when you say people are laughing at you. Isn’t there an old saying that people don’t think about us as much as we think they do? I hope that’s true for you. You’re a beautiful human being and I support you.

    Susan in Walnut Creek, CA
    June 5, 2019 SFO cruise to Alaska

    [Sent from my iPad]


  2. We knew Jules & sailed with him several times. The last two times we sailed with Tessa.
    We have known you both, listened to you both & have liked you both.
    To be honest, I think it was easier externally to be Jules, maybe because Jules looked like a man who loved the sea. Perhaps using the sea as an escape.
    Tessa externally is new & evolving even if she was hidden within Jules.
    We hope that as Tessa evolves that she will feel more acceptance, more love, less of the hatred she is encountering
    We hope to sail with her again!! We so enjoy her presence & the knowledge she shares with her fellow passengers.


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