restless thoughts

taken from my journal, Songs of the Sirens

July 16
it’s 2 in the morning and i am restless…. my mind dances with thoughts and i can’t sleep, i try but i realize it’s hopeless, so i find my chair and my journal….. i realize that i am hungry for life, i can’t get enough…. i want to be surrounded by my new found friends but they are in another space… and i cry because some will be gone, just like that, the carousel begins and our life must move on… i regret the words that weren’t spoken, the thoughts and feelings that were never shared….. and i never really got to know your heart, your smile or your tears… i wanted to share all of mine, but then could you really understand…. and if you really understood would that change your smile…. and was it even necessary….. i try so hard to be just another image in the crowd but i can’t for i am drowning in this new found blessing and with this blessing comes a million questions…
i desperately try to understand feelings…. i was never ordinary, my thoughts came from a different place but i want to know and understand what you feel because i never was able to feel that… no i just had confusion and frustration painted with tears… but today all that is gone and i am alive for the first time in my life….
often i sit in silence and watch….. your world is alive with smiles and endless chatter…. i want to be in your circle but i am from a different time…… i am weathered from time and a poison i did not want and deep in my heart i know that your circle will never intersect mine…. it can’t until you really know what’s in my heart and how desperate i am to be a part of your circle…..
and i am learning that even amongst the joys of life there is still some pain…. do you feel the same, i wish i knew… but please don’t worry because i am too hungry for life now, now that i know what it’s like to be alive and happy…

it’s 4 in the morning and i am still restless for life… i am alive and i want to have no boundaries on this happiness… i want to grab this day and dance with it… i want these restless feelings never to tire, i am so young, but older than that now, but i don’t care and that will never be my failure……

tess julianna

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