i’m battling thoughts of my immortality and i write:


i’m Ketchikan bound and
dreams…. they are chasing me…. scaring me through this night,
and yet their cries of joy still echo all through this sleepless night…..
my window to this world was thrown open…..
a broken twilight comforts me…… it paints that world that i love…. that i cry for….
am i blessed or cursed
do i really know……..
thoughts and visions dance through my sleepless state….
and yet i’m scared…..
i grow older
i want to grab out and cling…..
hold on to this blessing…
i want to sweat again….rest on a rock and cry out in joy
i want to feel fear racing through my blood
i want to lay and feel her heart beat
smell her scent
i want to mold memories that won’t rust in time
i feel my shelves are still only half full
all those books that call out for my weary eyes….
cry for my hands to caress their pages
i want to feel the loss of throwing out boots that carried me through endless journeys…..smell the leather that was bathed in sweat
i want to look into his eyes…. his unconditional love…. his scent…to see his shadow walk with mine

and i cry
i cry for those tranquility days are gone
dam-it, why did i let them slip away in the night…
do we ever know our blessings until they are stolen from our grasp…
you tell me there are others to be had
the hell with you
for i will never be able to replace perfection
she was mine
and she’s gone
god i love….no i hate these memories…
does the pain of loss feel good
does it bronze those lost memories forever

part ll

its 4 in the morning and my spirit is restless…
tormented by words that scream out to be felt….
to be written
the wind sings a haunting song as i stand on a lonely deck bathed in the tears of dew…
my favorite sweatshirt
worn from use
hugs me in a feeling of warmth as this new day unfolds…
i love this loneliness of dawn,
solitude that is all mine…
i’m selfish…. as i want to steal these moments so they are mine alone..
the sky is undecided between the gray clouds and broken blue…
the forest
still a shadow of green that floats by ever so slowly
i wonder do these islands have names
do they really need a label placed upon their shoulders
a burden they must carry on the charts of those who live on this sea….
a new day begins to dawn
the mountains drift by
my heart and soul cries out to these broken dreams of mine
and these dreams will keep this broken body…
keep my hands grasping…… and clinging
keep me dreaming….
for my dreams are my tomorrows
and my today’s
well they always become my yesterday’s

tess julianna 6/30/15


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