a series of essays called “transitioning” Essay #1

 

does it matter today, it shouldn’t, but at times i feel it does…. because for a lifetime i could walk anywhere, supposedly i was just like you… ordinary, i didn’t stand out in a crowd, but then, my inner world, my secret thoughts, that’s where i was different….. all i felt was confusion, frustration and tears… i even didn’t know if what i felt was felt by you, but i would never reveal what i felt… i feared your judgement, what if i WAS different…. so i kept my thoughts, my questions buried, but as i got older these thoughts dominated my life…. a thousand voices in my head, over and over the song was played and like the Sirens i could never deafen their cries… they haunted my dreams and eventually they paralyzed my being, for they took control of my soul…. and for my broken lifetime, every time, and i literally mean every time, i looked at a female, and that was since i was 4 years old, 62 long years, all i felt was pain and regret…. why was i not “born a girl”….. and every time i looked in a mirror or stood naked i always cried, why was i not “born a girl”, for i hated the reflection that i painted…… but life was still bearable for “him” and if you looked at his life and what he accomplished you would say, “you were so blessed”, but then you never saw the tears i was drowning in or the pain that was burying me, we learn very early how to deceive you and hide our pain…
yes, this condition is known simply as “gender dysphoria”, a condition i did not ask for but i was born with… yes i am transgender, and today i feel no shame, i can look into a mirror and see a smile i never saw before….

so why do i write this for you….. for me it’s been an important form of therapy, simply writing my feelings…. my journal, now going on two years, “songs of the sirens”, has been a good friend that has helped me so much, maybe one day i will share that … i would share that mainly so people can know what it means to “transition”… it’s a word filled with a lot of tears and pain, and hopefully somewhere there is the happiness we so want, but maybe even more important is “acceptance”…. i have very little control over that, that lies within your heart but it will make my smile shine even brighter….
to be continued…..
tess julianna 8/14/17

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