both sides of life

both sides of life
native americans often called these people “two spirited” and they were held high in their culture…. what was it about their culture that they understood this aspect of life and today our society struggles so hard with it…

i am blessed as i have walked both sides of life and today i truly know what it feels like from both sides and to be in love with yourself and with life from this side…. and there is also a peace now, a peace over “his” past, no longer is there the pain, tears and frustration…. i don’t deny “him” or hate the fact that i had to be “him”, actually it was a true blessing and i can look back at “his” past and smile…. today i choose not to focus on “his” pain but “his” joy, and “he” did have much…. and today “he” gave her “his” beautiful heart and those big chocolate eyes that both my mother and Joanne loves…. “he” gave her an understanding or knowledge that unfortunately many on this side of life are unaware of, what it’s like on the other side

our house is still filled with a hundred reflections of “him” and “his” life….. i smile and think of those good times, for they were the minutes of “his” life that yes, “he” was happy and blessed…. and unfortunately they were only minutes because “he” struggled so hard with “his” pain, tears and frustrations, all of which “he” never understood but only knew it ripped “his” heart apart most of the time…. and there came that time when “he” finally had to cross over, “he” crossed over because life is too precious a gift to let a bullet or an empty vein steal it all away…. but this i can honestly say, for i have walked both sides of life, the joy of being in love, as a female, is the most amazing emotional high i’ve ever experienced…… i wish i could put these feelings into words, but you can’t, all you can do is smile…. is that why women have the most beautiful smiles…. today i have this incredible freedom to let out all my emotions whether they are tears or joy, and i love it… and i have loved Joanne from both sides of life and from my perspective loving her with this emotional freedom is beautiful…. and i know i can say this about every aspect of my life now…

i have what is now a two year journal called “Songs of the Sirens”… i add to it everyday of this journey…. in this journal it tells you what it was like for me to take my journey… it recorded all the tears i cried, the pain and frustration and now the gift of happiness… it’s a beautiful friend… someday maybe you can read it

thoughts written to a dear friend…. my journal…
thank you Mary for telling me to journal through this journey

the pages were empty..
without ones hands to gently turn
to stop and linger in thoughts
be they of pain or happiness…
you were unfilled
alone and empty like my broken spirit…
and then came my words

you didn’t care if they were words of pain or love
you never judged
but always accepted…
you knew my words were honest
the pain it was real,
for the tears would stain your pages…..
you taught me to hold on tight
when i was falling
being broken by ugly thoughts….
pain was all i felt for many of your pages
but you said “hold on tight you must”
for there was always another page
waiting for that smile
you promised….. just write one more page

all those words…..
pages and pages of silent words
never felt, but by your soul
and of those countless pages of words
you taught me to believe
that tears could be wiped from crying eyes
and my broken heart could mend….
you told my hand
never tire,
you must go on
find those words amongst the many
for the words can heal,
they have that magic, if you believe,
and so the words continued to come….
you told me honesty can hurt,
it will stain these pages with painful tears
but write the truth
with all its pain for then the words can change
and the tears can dry
and words of joy can start to fill these pages.

today i looked at the words
and like always tears were felt…
my heart it ached
but as the words continued to fall
i realized you were right,
you promised me,
you never lied…
today these pages had joy,
joy i never knew
and as i write my tears they rain
tears of joy
tears that wash away the pain
tears that know that the many empty waiting pages
can and will be filled,
filled with beautiful words….
oh my friend
with this tired pen
and all my words,
pages and pages of words,
you hold them dear…
never oh never let them fade
but let them rest in peace
if you will,
i love those words
because with them you showed me how to smile
so i write….
thank you my dear friend
tess julianna 4/13/2016

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