bittersweet, these days are

my mortality… it stares at me everyday… i often hear, “your life has been blessed, you’ve done so much”… but i am restless, where has my youth gone… often my body says “no i can’t do that anymore”, but my dreams are defiant, i cannot let them rust… my summers in Alaska are bittersweet… i want so much more… will i regret these days passively watching this coast with these mountains drift by… ah, these dreams, are they curses or my tomorrows…

it’s 3 in the morning,
but it could just as well be noon
for my dreams are restless,
restless as this ship drifts
through a maze of time,
are we northbound or southbound
hell, does really doesn’t matter
for this restlessness is devouring me
while i’m chasing dreams…
and of time
well it doesn’t stand still in this void,
no, no it’s stealing my precious years,
time that i need to chase my dreams….
dreams that are taken from memories worn thin
from the many lonely moments…
moments that became my thoughts
thoughts that once again fade into new dreams….
my boots sit tossed in a closet
restless for a path to wander,
they cry to be muddied, and washed in sweat
instead of the dust that slowly covers
a face that also cries for more time….

i regretfully finish yet another book…
i cling to its essence
i cry “why must you end, my friend”..
a book that stirred more dreams than time will allow
and of the books that still await my hands
are they too filled with dreams…
and i ponder
are these books filled with curses
curses rather than dreams…
the curses caused by my fading years,
journeys that will never be taken…
and it’s then that i hear my spirit screams
its restless in these empty hours that pass
and as i sit and watch this canvas painted
painted with mountains that i can’t touch
i can almost feel the tranquility of its forest
being wrapped in that cocoon of green
ah my essence cries in restless desperation….
and time passes slowly by

my summers
yes they are bittersweet
i do love the sea
for as Dana spoke
“nothing will compare with the early breaking of day upon the wide ocean”
i love the taste of the salt in the air
a wind and sea that are alive
but my heart cries as i stand watch
and a coastline silently passes
i want my kayak days back again…
i did not walk this coastline
for it is not a part of my memory of time
and of time
well it’s 3 in the morning
but it could just as well be noon
for my dreams are restless,
restless as this ship drifts
drifts through a maze of time
tess julianna 8/29/16

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