i just don’t know how to say goodbye

his journey has ended… one never knows when this time must be, it just happens, and all we can do is cry… do my tears make his departure any easier, no… not really… but i like to think that my carpet of tears is just a symbol of the love and bond that was between us…. and what hurts me the most is that i wasn’t by his side to kiss him goodbye and tell him it’s alright, i understood…. i will always regret that i wasn’t there for him, at the time he needed me the most, for he was always there for me…
and i cry, how will my broken heart mend…. i don’t think it ever really does, i think each of my departed companions takes another piece of my heart with them… but that’s alright, as Joshua left me a treasure chest of memories that i can carry with me…..
and when i return home, i will hold his collar and leash, trying to capture his scent, his essence, but it will be gone, only my memory to bring back his essence…
the emptiness of our house, the spot we kept his kennel is empty… his toys, always scattered about, now are gone…. no longer will i look for my missing socks or shoes, always knowing he would have taken them to his pillow…. my hands will miss his touch, he loved his ears rubbed and always a game of “pull” with his now favorite toy… Joshua was our shadow, never far from our side, never out of our sight….. and how i will miss the sound of his name, and with that sound he always came, prancing, waiting for my hand to pet him…
and i cry, i cry because i can’t find the words to express my pain, my aching heart and the realization that he is gone forever… i cry for time that i will never have with him again…. i do anything to have our “tranquility days” back again….. to take our daily walks….. just to have him by my side, please God just one more time…
man’s best friend… they are the perfect example of unconditional love… they give to you so much joy and it hurts like hell when they leave… you swear never again… but could i ever live without their presence

2/14/2014 “written for josie as her journey ended”
how do you say goodbye… is it even possible…. for 16 years she blessed us everyday with her love… she was always there… yet as i look around the house, all her favorite little spots… now they are empty… the house feels empty… i feel empty…. and i hurt….. i would do anything just to feel her one more time….. i wonder will this pain ever go away… do i want it to leave…. no, for then, will i no longer feel her loss
my mind races through memories…. i try to recreate all the joy we had because of her…. i look at her little red bowl…her favorite pillow in her later years, her toys…. emptiness… pain… the house is filled with empty shadows… i’m afraid to call her name because i know only silence will follow
she trusted me…. did i fail her in the end… i have to believe i did what was best for her….. for she gave me everything…. she trusted my love

when we walked away… we left her there lying… she looked so peaceful… she was beautiful…. even though her poor little body showed her age and her fading health… i’ll carry that picture of her always in my heart…
i’ll miss you always Josie…

Josie was the sixth dog that left us…….. they all were special and added to our joy… and each brought their own pain….
i wrote this long ago after i lost Denali, once again his journey was far too short…..

lying on that table
scared
and only a shadow of what once was…
the look you gave
said you didn’t understand
but my touch you trusted
i was there for your pain
but did you understand.

i had to let you go
say good-bye
and walk away
yet i just don’t know how to say good-bye.

our time was short
and my memories are many
yet as i search the house through and through
only to find your fading scent…
and to call your name now
and to hear only an empty echo
a part of me is gone.

i had to let you go
say good-bye
and walk away
yet i just don’t know how to say good-bye.

the days have past and gone
and by my feet he sleeps…
he gently took your shadows place
and touched my sadden heart..
for this was your final gift to me.

i had to let you go
say good-bye
and walk away
yet i just don’t know how to say good-bye.

and i’ll never forgive myself that i wasn’t there for Joshua.. and i don’t even have that final image to carry in my heart
and i curse that i had to let you go,
that i wasn’t there for you
to hold you just one more time
to say good-bye
God, i just don’t know how to say good-bye.
tess julianna 5/30/17