on “coming out”

this past week many in my community celebrated a special day in our journey through life…… this was a day set aside to remember and celebrate the day we freed ourselves and declared who we really are….
i sat in the LGBT club of the high school i retired from and listened to these student remember and share about that day in their life…. i sat with tears in my eyes listening to each and every one of them share that day, i was filled with happiness that they had the courage to do what i never could…. they are young with their whole life in front of them, a life that they hope to live as who they want to be, not who society says they should be…. i was so proud of each and every one of them and to me they are all heroes in my book…..
i’ve learn, through my journey, that everybody’s journey is different, there is no one set pattern for a journey… there will be many similarities in our journeys, but that will be about it….
some people will carefully plan their “coming out”, who will be the first one to hear their cry and even pick a certain day or date for this declaration… other’s, like myself, their life just became no longer do-able as it was, my choices were limited but no longer could i continue as i was, it was that simple, i could not go on for even another second…..

excerpt from: “thousand voices in my head”
i stand here
broken and crippled,
raped by pain
emotionally stripped
with voices in my head
10,000 strong and more
pounding in my brain
these voices in my head
and the choice that i made

my life had ceased
paralyzed
strip of reasoning
responding only to pain
with voices in my head
10,000 strong and more
pounding in my brain
these voices in my head
and the choice that i made

tess julianna 2/2/2017

regardless how one approaches this day we all face the same uncertainties… we know the relationships in our life may drastically change, it’s a risk we must take, nothing is certain… it’s very possible that many if not all of our loved ones will turn their backs on us, walk out of our life forever, blaming us for this division…. but it’s a risk you have to take…. you take this risk so your life is do-able once again… you take this risk hoping you can look in the mirror and smile at your reflection… you take this risk hoping your life will not fall to pieces… can you imagine how this must feel when your own mother turns her back on you, a mother that wants nothing more for she rather you be dead than “come out” and ruin and embarrass her world… and “coming out” isn’t just a one time event but for everyone we had relationship with and want to continue one with this day, this moment must take place, again and again…. “coming out” doesn’t just involve family and friends but also you risk losing your livelihood…..

the day one “comes out” is the day they stand naked before the world…. they hold a prayer of faith that this will not be a mistake, that their fragile world will not shatter and implode… the words they will cry out can’t be taken back, i’m sorry just isn’t part of the vocabulary… “coming out” is the beginning of an existence where “i understand” can be heard by you over and over, but you know deep in your heart nobody understands what this is like, hell i didn’t understand all of this so how is it possible that they will…

i came out on November 6, 2015… i stood in front of my wife who i had been married to for 44 years… i was emotionally broken with tears raining down, my body was shaking and i was crying, but what do you tell the person who means the world to you….
i stand here
broken and crippled,
raped by pain
emotionally stripped
with voices in my head
10,000 strong and more
pounding in my brain
these voices in my head
and the choice that i made

my life had ceased
paralyzed
strip of reasoning
responding only to pain
with voices in my head
10,000 strong and more
pounding in my brain
these voices in my head
and the choice that i made

 

today my world is still intact…. i was one of the lucky ones as i didn’t lose one friend, one sibling or my parents in fact today i am loved by more people today than ever before… and of my wife… well this year we will celebrate our 46th anniversary……

from my journal: Songs of the SirensOct 11
today i celebrate “National Coming Out Day”
Today is” National Coming Out Day”… i want to celebrate what i finally was able to do after 66 years, simply declaring what and who i really was… so i celebrate today for the life that “he” lived, “he” carried that “Lost Angel” for all those years… and today i want to shout out to the world that i love “him” still for carrying that burden… and to my beautiful wife how do i ever thank you for your love…. and to my beautiful “Lost Angel”, i’m glad you’re free finally to fly and be, yes life is beautiful!……

so on this past National Day of Coming Out i celebrated, but only after i offered up my prayers of thanks

tess julianna 10/15/17

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